“I can’t believe I’m here,” she says.
“You’re kidding right?”
“Love conquers all. Right? Like we always used to say.”
“Like we used to say. It doesn’t seem able to conquer your cheating heart.”
“Look, I’ve been given a gift, a talent if you will. I don’t know what to call it. But can you honestly say that if you had the gift you wouldn’t use it?”
She seems to chew on that one for a bit. “I don’t think so, not if I really cared about someone. Not if I was truly committed to a person.”
“You see? That’s the thing. You don’t know. You could at least try to understand.”
“I’ve tried, believe me. How would you feel?”
I sit back, sip my coffee, think about it. “All right,” I said, “tell you what. Why don’t you take them for the weekend? We’ll see how strong your will power is.”
I ask the kid behind the counter who makes sandwiches if I can borrow a knife. Then we go out to the parking lot. It’s a bloody freaking mess, but once we get each other’s ears off and sew them on to each other’s heads, using the little sewing kit she keeps in her glove compartment, we’re good to go.
“Go ‘head,” I say. “Try ‘em out.”
She’s reluctant at first but then gives the ears a good wiggle and my heart just about leaps out of my chest into her hands. “Wow!” I say. “I knew they worked, but… Wow!”
“Oh, stop,” she says. “You really felt something?”
“I always feel something for you, but this is something different. That’s powerful stuff. They make you irresistable.”
I’m okay during the day but when the evening hits I can’t help picturing her in some bar setting her sites on some hot guy then giving the ears a wiggle. It’s hell.
But then Monday finally comes and we meet again for coffee. I bring a sharper knife this time to avoid some of the gore.
I ask how it went.
“You were right,” she says. “It’s impossible to resist.”
The thought of her with another guy just about kills me. “Look, I don’t want to know what happened. We’re even now, right? So what do you think, you want to give it another shot?”
“Under one condition.”
“I’ll do anything. Name it. I can’t live without you.”
“I want the ears.” LS